7 November 2020: Up and Down and All Around

11:20 PM Today has been rainy and cold and the start of the winter season has begun. It’s made me think a lot about things today. Rain can be so many things. It can be beautiful, refreshing, renewing. It can symbolize a fresh start to things and be incredibly melodic, peaceful and therapeutic. It canContinue reading “7 November 2020: Up and Down and All Around”

13 October 2020: Post Crisis Hiatus

5:50 AM Time has slowly flown by. It has been the quickest and longest couple of months…months filled with every imaginable emotion crammed into the lengthy days and rapidly passing weeks. Feelings of exuberance, sorrow, terror, excitement, passivity, explosive anger, pain, love and joy. In the past 10 weeks I have found myself so deeplyContinue reading “13 October 2020: Post Crisis Hiatus”

9 September 2020: Stretched Thin

8:56 AM So, you know how when someone is feeling depressed and struggling to find a reason to keep going?  When they just want to give up…they just want to stop existing?  You know those moments when someone tells you they are at the point where living feels harder than dying?  And it’s in thoseContinue reading “9 September 2020: Stretched Thin”

3 September 2020: So…Many…Emotions

7:59 PM What a weird day.  Today is one month since the miscarriage.  It has been one month since I was laid up in the hospital having a fetus…a dead baby cut out of me.  It has been one helluva month.  Lots of ups…lots of downs…lots of anger, peace, sadness, indifference.  It seems like everyContinue reading “3 September 2020: So…Many…Emotions”

21 August 2020: Learning Lessons and Being Vulnerable

4:07 PM Oh good night.  Yesterday was a good day.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was worth something.  I felt like I was productive, that I was knowledgeable, and that I had something to contribute to the world.  Yesterday I felt like I was winning in life. Continue reading “21 August 2020: Learning Lessons and Being Vulnerable”

14 August 2020: Back to Life…Back to Reality

10:42 PM This will likely be brief…I can barely keep my eyes open.   Today has been a shitty day.  Seems like I’m having quite a few of those lately.  I am constantly wondering when the shit will go away, or at least fade into the background.  Will it ever?  Will I ever have a gripContinue reading “14 August 2020: Back to Life…Back to Reality”

10 August 2020: Lessons from a Miscarriage

5:02 AM It has been 1,000 years since I’ve sat down to pound out my thoughts and feelings. But today seems like a good day to start up again. How can it be possible to feel so very alone yet encircled in God’s love all at the same time?  That you can feel the deepest,Continue reading “10 August 2020: Lessons from a Miscarriage”

22 June 2020: Spiritual Awakening

1:20 AM Somehow I don’t feel like 90 minutes of sleep is gonna be enough to carry me throughout the day.  Tonight was the first major nightmare I’ve had since being out of the hospital.  I’m not exactly sure what I dreamed…I can only remember little snippets, but I am still shaking.  I woke upContinue reading “22 June 2020: Spiritual Awakening”

20 June 2020: Disclosure

***Warning: Possible trigger. Post contains description of abuse.*** 3:20 PM Sometimes I fuck things up pretty bad.  It’s like I can come up with the best laid plans for things to go smoothly…to get shit done…to work on the real stuff that really matters.  And then for whatever reason, this thing inside of me sabotagesContinue reading “20 June 2020: Disclosure”

15 June 2020: Classic Transference

3:35 AM Sleep has eluded me once again.  It’s this never ending battle and I’m not sure how to make it better.  Sleep is good…sleep is needed…but my mind won’t shut down, my body won’t unwind.  There are so many things that need my attention, and I feel like I’m 10 steps behind on lifeContinue reading “15 June 2020: Classic Transference”

14 June 2020: I’m Not a Rock…And It Sucks

9:56 PM Today has been a strange day.  A lot of emotions that are all over the map.  But I suppose that’s how a lot of life is.  Within any given day, you win some and you lose some…you experience pain and joy…you feel secure and knocked on your ass.  And at the end ofContinue reading “14 June 2020: I’m Not a Rock…And It Sucks”

13 June 2020: Deep Rooted Love

11:15 PM Today has been a humbling day for me.  One of the most significant insights I’ve had today has been that I am fucking loved.  And it seems like such a simple thing for someone to know…someone to feel…and yet it was this significant feeling for me to have, embrace, understand and feel.  AndContinue reading “13 June 2020: Deep Rooted Love”

12 June 2020: Corner Turned

11:26 PM Welp, here we are…getting back on the journaling horse.  I suppose I could transcribe my writings from when I was in the hospital…maybe someday I’ll find that worthwhile and get it done.  Maybe.   Today has been my first full day outside of the hospital.  It has been a good, productive day and IContinue reading “12 June 2020: Corner Turned”

4 June 2020: Trauma, Trauma, Trauma

3:01 AM AHHHHHH!  Fuck!  After several nights of decent sleep (ranging from 5-8 hours per night) I’ve had an incredibly difficult night tonight.  Fell asleep just after midnight, have been having scattered, incoherent nightmares that have woken me twice and now I can’t shake this feeling of disgust, fear, and confusion.  I don’t know whatContinue reading “4 June 2020: Trauma, Trauma, Trauma”

2 June 2020: For Better or for Worse

11:01 PM Well, hells bells…it’s been a hot minute since I’ve done any writing.  In all honesty, it’s been a crazy challenging week for me.  I’ve experienced some of the deepest sorrow and despair that I’ve felt in a very long time.  The last time I sat down to pound out some thoughts, I wasContinue reading “2 June 2020: For Better or for Worse”

30 May 2020: Exploring in the Light

10:19 PM Well, it’s been a hot minute since I sat down to hash out some thoughts and feelings.  Honestly, it’s been a helluva few days, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep trying.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep trying at therapy…keep trying to figure out my crap…keep trying to live.  ItContinue reading “30 May 2020: Exploring in the Light”