Growing up in a religious home, I learned bible stories and gospel truths that guided my family’s way of life. I was taught from a young age that because of the Fall of Adam, there is opposition in all things. That part of God’s plan for us is for us to experience all things and that we can only experience joy if we experience sorrow. That good only exists if evil exists. And here I am, in the middle of the night, feeling polarized opposites.
I feel so very alone, and one part of me wants to reach out…to be seen…to be held. But another very real part of me wants to be alone…isolated…unattached and free. Part of me has thoughts that want to be heard and examined and processed. And part of me wants it all to shut up and be silent and empty. Part of me wants to live and succeed and love. And part of me wants to die and run away and leave everyone and everything that I know.
So how do I serve two masters? How do I live life and make it meaningful and fulfilling while I want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing? How do I build relationships when I desperately want to be alone? How do I remember that good and bad can coexist and that feeling one or the other doesn’t diminish the relevancy of the other? And how do I move forward when all I want to do is go back?
I guess life is funny that way. It’s never a straight, steady progression. It’s never simple and easy…or at least it never is for very long. And while I know there is power and beauty in growth that comes from difficulties and challenges, sometimes I just want to be given permission to feel the shit without having to point out the silver lining.