Today I’m kicking myself. I passed up a job opportunity with an established company that was offering me a substantial income as a C-level executive with the opportunity to make changes to the current culture and help them grow. It was something that was sure…something that was a regular steady paycheck…something that was very little risk on my part. And for what? Yes, the chance to create and build and make a difference as I work on my business project. But this entire week, I’ve found myself sitting…sulking…unmotivated.
I find myself overwhelmed, undermotivated, lonely and depressed. There have been so many changes and my heart can’t fucking take it. I’ve lost all desire to move forward. It is too hard…too lonely…and I am exhausted. I don’t even have words…I just don’t want to do it anymore.
And the worst thing is that the one person on the earth that I want to talk to about all of this stuff…the one person I can be straight up and honest with…the one person who I can tell I’ve sat in my office for the past two days googling most effective suicide methods…I can’t talk to him. He’s no longer anything in my life and it hurts something fierce. A hurt I didn’t anticipate…a hurt that feels lame…a hurt that I feel like nobody understands. It legit makes me feel like a crazy obsessed person who can’t get over losing a relationship that needed to end.
But it is painful…trying to take this road less traveled so that I can accomplish something great, but it’s hard and scary and I don’t think I can do it. And trying to do it alone…without the support of someone who has been there for me in ways unlike anyone else…it makes it all the more difficult. And honest to god, I just don’t want to do it and I don’t see anyway out.