24 March 2021: The End of an Era

8:48 PM

I don’t know if I have ever had bigger emotions about a relationship than I am feeling tonight. Breaking up is hard to do…so fucking hard! Even when it’s for the best and you know it’s time for a change…it is hard! And you can prepare and plan and anticipate exactly how you’ll feel and how you’ll cope, but then you get there and you experience things you didn’t think you would.

Tonight I had an intake session with a brand new therapist. 10 days ago I had my last session with J. After a decade of working together, we ended our therapeutic relationship. It was hard to say goodbye and close that chapter, but it didn’t really feel done done. It kind of felt like times past when I’d take a break for a while and I knew eventually we’d start back up when the shit hit the fan. I guess emotionally I didn’t feel like it was really over.

But tonight meeting with M for the first time…reviewing my clinical history…giving her my background and telling my story in 50 minutes…talking about why the need for a change of therapists…tonight made it feel real. It felt like we closed the door, locked it and threw away the key. And I did not anticipate the hurt and heartache I would feel about it all. I can’t stop crying and feeling a great loss.

J was literally the only constant support I’ve had for the past 10 years…or at least felt like I had. He held space where I could fall apart, where I could say what I was thinking or say nothing at all. He let me have my childish feelings and work through them. He let me avoid and deflect and use unhealthy coping mechanisms…and when I was done with that, he’d be there to help me work through it. He was the one person in my life for the past decade that I knew in the deepest part of my heart that he’d be there no matter what I did or didn’t do. And tonight my heart hurts something fierce. My guts feel like they’re gonna spill out all over the place. It was an ache and pain that I did not expect to happen, and that quite honestly I feel foolish for feeling.

My intake with M was good. It was informative and set up a good path for active learning and treatment…something I’ve known I need to push myself to fully embrace. I’ve known that I need to take steps to make significant changes in the real world…challenge my thought process, change my internal narrative, communicate my big feelings with my hubs and friends and family, and face the things that truly haunt me that I’ve been to afraid to give voice to. So I’m excited for this new journey. I’m scared that I won’t be up to the challenge. I worry that M doesn’t have any idea what she’s getting into and that in 3 months when I’ve hit a wall and become resistant to treatment she’ll throw her hands in the air, say “fuck it” and give up on me.

So there are lots of emotions…lots of unexpected emotions. I’m sure in the end it’ll all turn out fine. But for tonight I just need to mourn the loss of a meaningful relationship and try to push aside the thought that I’m just being a big baby about it all. I just need to cry the fucking tears.

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