13 November 2020: Freakin’ Friday

10:50 PM

Well if 2020 wasn’t a fucked up mess already, add a freakin’ Friday the 13th into the mix of things. Seems like you might as well just throw your hands up in the air and say “fuck it all!” That’s how today has felt. Like I just want to throw my hands up in defeat.

Everything just came crashing down on me today. Everything. It feels like I was going along doing okay (not great, but hanging in there) and then today happened. And I’d like to say there’s no rhyme or reason behind the anxiety, the depression, the anger and exhaustion. But there is plenty that is hitting me like a 1-2 punch…over and over and over again.

Starting up a business is no joke. While I have so many skills and abilities, I have so much anxiety and insecurity about it all. I worry all the time that I’m not good enough. I worry that I’ll let my family down. That I will fail and everyone will see what I believe…that I’m a fraud…that I can’t do this. And one part of me is confident and excited and ambitious. One part of me feels like I’m a bad ass and I will kick butt and do great things. But THEN…there’s this other part of me. This part that is overwhelmed with anxiety, self doubt, and feeling like my every move is being scrutinized and judged.

On top of the stress of starting a business and trying to get my head in the game, my kid is forced into a 14 day quarantine after a direct exposure at school. Which means no school…no daycare…no nothing. Just saying home with mom and dad. And how the fuck am I supposed to juggle that? I love my kids. I love playing cars with them and snuggling and reading stories. I love eating dino chicken nuggets with them and letting them watch all 3 Cars movies in one day. But it is a lot. It means I am working late nights, and no days, and life is kicking my ass.

And doing trauma work right now isn’t the most brainiac idea I’ve ever had…but it’s happening and there’s no turning back on that. Because why wouldn’t I. But you know what? Even with all these things happening…it feels like none of them are noteworthy. None of them, not even all of them together add up to be enough to throw me for this much of a loop. The kind of loop that has me sitting alone in my office in the middle of the night, throwing back shots of tequila and hoping that it’ll make the darkness go away. None of it feels big enough to push me over the edge of sanity. And yet here we are. Weak, lame, ridiculous.

Sometimes I just need life to slow the fuck down. I just need to take a minute to breathe. Sometimes I just want a very long pause button…not a stop button on life…but just a lengthy pause where I can rest and not feel like I’m being left behind and things are piling up. A pause where the shitty things start to work themselves out–or even I am able to work the shitty things out without them getting worse. I just need a fucking minute.

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