11:20 PM Today has been rainy and cold and the start of the winter season has begun. It’s made me think a lot about things today.
Rain can be so many things. It can be beautiful, refreshing, renewing. It can symbolize a fresh start to things and be incredibly melodic, peaceful and therapeutic. It can also be depressing, restricting, sad. It can symbolize crying and all the sorrow we’re feeling. The same event, rain, can bring a hugely wide range of emotions and evoke feelings both negative and positive…difficult and rejuvenating. All of these things come from one simple act…raining.
And that’s been exactly where my life has been. With so many changes, so many new things happening…there are so many wonderful and liberating feelings that come with the change, but there’s also a lot of fear, anxiety, stress and sometimes I just want to quit. I want to say fuck it. I want to walk away from everything…the good, the bad, and everything in between.
This job change has been the best/worst thing to ever happen to me. Leaving the exhausting and emotionally volatile situation I was in, was quite possibly the one thing that saved my life. I’m not sure how I didn’t see it before…how I didn’t recognize that my work situation was ruining my mental health. That it was because of work that I landed myself in the psych ward…twice! And it feels good. It feels liberating. It feels like I can breathe. But at the same time it is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. Not having a solid plan…working for myself…wondering when I’ll get paid for the work I do. So many thoughts about what if…what if I fail? What if I just hate the work I do? What if I succeed?
I want to cry…all the time. I want to cry because things are good, because I’m moved and touched by the goodness I see around me, because I am blessed with all the good things. I want to cry because I’m overwhelmed, because things are excruciatingly difficult, because I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME.
So what do I do? I find myself in the throws of anxiety, panic, overwhelmingly challenging feelings and I schedule an unplanned therapy session. And then two days later, at my session, I find myself feeling good about things. Feeling confident and grounded and strong. And the struggles wax and wane. The good times come and go. And the thing I’m finding on a regular basis is that life changes so rapidly that I never know what tomorrow (or even sometimes the next hour) will bring. So I prep for it all. I hang in there when it’s hard. I stockpile my confidence, my willpower, and the positive affirmations I actually believe in the moment.
This has been the most emotionally crazy time that I’ve experienced in a while. It’s up and down and all around ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Someday I hope I’ll look back on this and see how I became a stronger person. That I’ll see the growth that happened because of everything. But today…today I just hope that I’ll continue to make the choice to keep going…that I’ll choose life…that I won’t give up. That’s what I hope for today.