13 October 2020: Post Crisis Hiatus

5:50 AM

Time has slowly flown by. It has been the quickest and longest couple of months…months filled with every imaginable emotion crammed into the lengthy days and rapidly passing weeks. Feelings of exuberance, sorrow, terror, excitement, passivity, explosive anger, pain, love and joy.

In the past 10 weeks I have found myself so deeply depressed and hopeless that I found myself admitted to the psych ward, stripped of all worldly possessions…waiting naked, with nothing but a thin hospital gown to embrace me. I’ve found myself relieved after the medications began to work and life seemed to be manageable. There was sorrow as I mourned another month passing after losing the child who should have completed our family. I jumped for joy when I found my professional voice and decided to venture out on my own.

These past few months have been some of the most challenging, eye opening, and rewarding months of my life…constantly reminding me that nothing stays the same. Life is always evolving, changing, sometimes getting worse and sometimes getting better. And the real shitty times, those times have been the worst. They’ve been the darkest. But how grateful I am that I made it out the other side where there is light where I didn’t see it before.

I don’t know how just one short month ago I was in the deepest of deep darkness. To the point where I saw no light, no silver lining, no hope for the future and buying a gun, gathering all the benzo’s I and prescription sleeping pills I could find, and a bottle of the finest tequila the state liquor store carried was the only option I could see. Beyond overdosing and blowing my brains out…there were no options. There was no help. At least not until a phone call in the middle of the night saved me. And I can’t even tell him that he saved my life that night because that is too vulnerable. That makes me crazy. That means admitting how very close I was to losing my life.

And so here I am now, a month later. Stable on a good medication regimen, making life choices that make me healthier, happier, and more balanced. And I look back and can’t believe I was in that dark place not that long ago. It has caused me to realize that life is constantly changing, and even the darkest of dark times will see light eventually, and also that I can’t get lazy when it comes to my mental health. I have to set boundaries, be healthy, be proactive or I will get swallowed up in the negativity.

So I move forward. I live another day. I resolve to be better…to do better…to expect better.

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