So, you know how when someone is feeling depressed and struggling to find a reason to keep going? When they just want to give up…they just want to stop existing? You know those moments when someone tells you they are at the point where living feels harder than dying? And it’s in those moments that we tell those people to hang on…that things will get better…that they are needed and their existence serves a purpose here that only they can fulfill? We tell them that their kid’s need them…that their life has purpose.
And as I’ve thought about this over the past couple of days…giving worn down, hopeless people a sense of purpose…I’ve come to realize that that is the very thing that is pushing me closer and closer to the edge.
I know I’m needed. I know I do things that other people don’t/can’t/won’t do. I know that my kids need me, that my hubs needs me, that work needs me, and my students need me. That my parents and my sisters need me. That my neighbors and the sisters I minister to need me. And it is SO much. It feels like such a huge burden to carry…a burden that is too heavy, and too hard. That I’m supposed to be this example…this inspiration…this person who’s risen above and overcome challenges. That I’m supposed to be this person who can do what needs to be done and do it well. I’m supposed to be the girl who gave her therapist her booze and made a life changing decision to be strong and do hard things…the client who inspires other clients with her determination and transformation.
And over and over again I fall. I fail. I fall short. The pressure to perform is too much. The expectation to do…to become…to exceed expectations is killing me. And just saying this out loud (or in writing…or whatever) just confirms that I am not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough, and that I can’t do what needs to be done. And so here I am…stuck in this place somewhere between wanting to fight and wanting to just give up.