What a weird day. Today is one month since the miscarriage. It has been one month since I was laid up in the hospital having a fetus…a dead baby cut out of me. It has been one helluva month. Lots of ups…lots of downs…lots of anger, peace, sadness, indifference. It seems like every moment of grief was different…no two exactly the same. And then to start my period yesterday…it was a weird moment. One I wasn’t sure how I’d react…and surprisingly I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t have a moment. I have however been made very aware that now I have to decide how we are going to proceed. Do we want to try again? Do we call it quits? Can I do this again? The interesting thing is that none of this has brought panic. None of it has brought extreme distress. More-so introspection and taking a good look at the future.
On top of the miscarriage stuff, I’ve been hyper-focused and super conflicted about work and feeling like a failure…feeling like I’m not as good as other people (particularly our new Clinical Director). And this has been far more distressing than the miscarriage stuff.
There has been a constant internal battle going on that is exhausting. I watch her complete tasks and things that I couldn’t do…for various reasons including lack of time, lack of desire, and sometimes lack of knowledge. And I watch her take these tasks and check them off one after another and a part of me is really grateful. Grateful that I helped hire someone who could come in and take a load off my plate. That she’s willing and able to do these things that need to be done that I needed help with. BUT there’s this other part that comes out and cuts me down. Telling myself that I’m not as good as her because she’s doing the things that I failed to do. She’s doing things that I couldn’t do well…that I didn’t know how to do…things that took me longer than my peers to figure out and do. And that voice inside my head tells me I’m never going to be as good as other people…that I’m always gonna be less than and my efforts will never be enough. And these two conflicting voices in my mind fight each other all day, every day…and it is exhausting fighting myself.
This constant battle has driven me mad. I’ve been short tempered, irritable, angry…emotionally all over the place. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been depressed and anxious, and I haven’t been able to focus. I have not been this discouraged and down on myself in a very long time.
And so I went to do a trauma therapy session today (which I thought would be really weird since we’re friends and former co-workers…but it’s been good). Today we were doing a simple protocol and for the first time (after 8 trauma sessions) I finally understood what people were talking about…a “shift” that happens. At first, the memories were right in front of me, very close, very vivid, very emotional. And I could feel that feeling…not feeling equal to others…not feeling like I was good enough…feeling a step behind crazy strong. But after several protocols, all of a sudden, the memories weren’t so close, I could literally FEEL them shift from right in front of me, very close…to moving off to the side, more distant. There was a very distinct feeling of distance, exhaustion…and the feelings of not being enough, they became distant. It no longer sat within me, no longer was it right in my face…and it felt like it moved outside of me. And I know it sounds crazy. Like it’s not a thing…but it is a very real thing that happens, and I now understand what I couldn’t fathom before I experienced it first hand.
My demeanor has changed significantly, I’m less reactive, I’m able to focus a little better, and my ability to feel (not just think) like I’m worth something and that I am enough…that I have abilities and strengths and what I do matters and isn’t less than anyone else’s. Does that mean that I’m never going to struggle with this ever again? No. Am I perfectly fixed? No. But it is much more manageable and it isn’t this glaring deficiency that blinds me from anything good I am.
For what feels like the first time in weeks, I am not using all my energy fighting these thoughts…fighting the negativity. I’m exhausted…my head is killing me…but I feel more relaxed and more at peace than I’ve felt in a very long time. And having seen this happen with many clients coming through our practice…I know it’s a thing and healing and change is happening and will continue to happen. As crazy as it sounds…it’s a thing…a real thing.