Oh good night. Yesterday was a good day. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was worth something. I felt like I was productive, that I was knowledgeable, and that I had something to contribute to the world. Yesterday I felt like I was winning in life. I had written, developed and presented a management training and as I was running the training, I was the subject authority in the room. I was commanding the audience. I was teaching and inspiring and kicking ass! And I went to bed last night feeling like I had contributed and made a difference.
And then today slapped me in the face and kicked my ass. Today I had a come apart and every negative thing about myself and what I do reared its ugly head and became the sole focus of everything. The feelings of success yesterday are far eclipsed by the negative self talk, feeling less than, seeing all the mistakes I’ve made…all of those things are drowning out the positives.
The hardest part of it all is knowing that it’s faulty thinking. I KNOW (and I really do know) that I’m not a worthless piece of shit. I know that I have done and continue to do a lot of good. I know that I am worth something and that I am making a difference. I know that there are a lot of amazing qualities that I have. And it is insanely frustrating knowing those things, and yet not being able to align my feelings and emotions with my knowledge.
I’m working on it, and I suppose that’s the only thing any of us can really do…is work on being better and overcoming the things that are hard for us. But damn, it is hard! And exhausting. And it sometimes makes me ugly cry in front of my boss. (totally didn’t happen today) (okay, it totally did…hahahaha)
I had a session with J on Wednesday and he gave me a lot to think about. There are often times when he suggests something, and immediately I shut it down. And I’ve been thinking about WHY I do that. Why is it this knee-jerk reaction at first that just shuts down any idea or suggestion he has, that is then followed by questioning and oftentimes acceptance? I have recognized that in the past, when I was younger, it took me a much longer time to gain acceptance and insight and consider his advice and recommendations. Nowadays, it seems to come a lot quicker. So that’s progress, I guess.
Yesterday I had an intake for the RO-DBT group that J had so lovingly pointed out to me (which I was actually super offended…because we all know that DBT is for the crazy borderlines, and fuck you for suggesting I’m borderline) (which yes, I totally can see the irony in that whole thought process!) But I also didn’t understand what RO-DBT is (and I honestly still don’t really understand what it actually is). But as I looked at the website about this therapy, it was like I was reading a description of myself. All of these things were me. And did I think that I was the ONLY one who is like me? No. Did I think that it is super abnormal and uncommon? Absolutely. And to find out that there’s a whole freakin’ therapy that is built to help people who are just like me…fuck! So I guess in a lot of ways it is helpful to know that I’m not so fucked up that nobody else gets it. And so here I am…trying to learn and grow…and I start the group on Sept 1st. YIKES!
The other thing J harped on quite a bit in our session was my journal writing. That it’s something he thinks needs to be out there for people. And I was super resistant to it. Initially because I have a really hard time seeing any value or greatness within myself. Or more-so, I have a hard time acknowledging it to others. Even if I think I’m doing a good job, or I am good at something, it is REALLY hard for me to voice that to others because what if they don’t think the same thing? What if what they see is really that I actually suck? And so that is something that I’m not sure how to change, but it is something that needs to change.
The other thing that makes me cringe thinking about putting my writing out there is that the things I write about expose all of the worst parts of myself. My deepest insecurities, the things I hate most about myself. It shows my weakness, my faults, my shortcomings…and to have that all out there for everyone to see and judge…that is really uncomfortable. And I also keep thinking that if all of a sudden I start writing for others, it will change what it means to me. I’m always so good about taking care of others and making sure I give them what they need. And can I use my writing to make them feel good? Abso-fucking-loutley! Will that do for me what my writing is currently doing? I don’t know. Will it shift the focus from self-exploration, honest, real, raw thoughts and emotions about myself and healing to putting on a show, playing a role, trying to guess what people need to hear or want to hear? Maybe. And I don’t know that I want to lose what I have because I feel like it’s helpful. Like it’s honest and real.
Whatever happens, I want my experience, my suffering, my pain, my lessons learned…I want all of it to mean something. And maybe it’ll only mean that I heal from myself and my writing will never leave the comfort of my Google Drive. But time will tell, and maybe courage will come.