18 August 2020: Never Enough

6:01 PM

I’m not even 100% sure where to begin.  There are so many things going on inside of me that I’ve felt like I’ve been overloaded over the past few days.  I have been all over the freakin’ place and it’s up and down and it’s kinda driving me bonkers.  

I guess a lot of things…but maybe I’ll start with the miscarriage.  Yesterday it was 2 weeks since the D and C.  I couldn’t believe that it had only been 2 weeks…just 14 days.  It feels like it was a lifetime ago and these past two weeks have felt like an eternity.  Lots and lots of anxiety and worry…not knowing what each day will bring.  Will it be insightful?  Will it be angry?  Will it be knock me to the ground sad?  It is exhausting trying to prep for whatever will come and to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of whatever emotion shows up (and often causes lots of destruction).  

There are many days where I am fine and life is just normal and moving on.  But then there are some days when it feels empty, and it feels wrong to just be moving forward and living life.  It’s been this weird thing that I just don’t know what the right way to go about grieving is.  And I know it’s different for everyone and there’s no right or wrong way…but I find myself always wondering, “is this normal?  Is this acceptable?  What will people think about me?”  Always checking that and never just letting it be.  

So that’s been a weird, exhausting thing.  

In other news…I’ve really been struggling a lot with what my purpose is and if I actually have any worth at all.  This has been a common theme across many aspects of my life.  From being a mom and wife, to spirituality, and work…I am constantly left feeling like I’m never going to be enough.  I feel like a crazy lazy bum.  I know I’m working a lot…but I feel like I’m not actually doing anything and I’m actually just floating through life.  You know?  Always wondering where the time has gone…feeling like nothing is getting accomplished and I’m wasting a lot of time doing a lot of nothing.  And I keep wondering what the hell I’m actually doing with life.  

I have struggled hard core with our new Clinical Director and the changes that’s brought to our practice.  It’s really nothing against her…she’s great. Super nice, super enthusiastic, super motivated and on top of shit.  And maybe it’s because she’s all the things that I’m not that drives me insane?  But it also has really thrown me for a loop that I didn’t really expect, because I’m not that kind of a person.  But bringing her in, having her give input, make changes, take responsibilities off my plate…it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.  I am annoyed by her asking questions and making suggestions.  It feels like she’s here and essentially telling me I’ve done a shitty job.  But it’s not even just that…there’s this weird deeper level of things…like I’ve worked my ass off for the past 2 years here.  I’ve pulled the practice out of some deep shit and I’ve put in the blood, sweat and tears…the late nights, the endless weekends…I’ve built a good portion of what we have…and here she comes swooping in…and all of a sudden I’m not just defensive, but I’m also questioning what that means for me?  What role do I actually play here?  What does my work and my efforts mean?  Does anything I’ve done even mean anything?  Because up until this point I’ve felt like I’ve actually done something worthwhile here.  Like I’ve made a difference and cleaned up a lot of shit.  Now all I can see are all the things that I haven’t done yet and all the things I haven’t done quite right.  And I know, it’s fucking messed up.  I know that.  But it is really hard to see anything different and feel anything beyond failure and being less-than.

I’ve felt like a huge failure in all aspects of my life to the point where I often find myself wondering, “why keep trying?”  Like, beyond just giving two fucks about work and raising my kids, and trying to develop spiritually…but like living.  What’s even the point?  It is too hard, and too much and nothing is ever going to change…and I have no idea what the fuck I’m even doing.  

I’m sure it’ll all pass and everything will be fine…but damn…I’m in a fucking dark place right now and I don’t know how to get out of it…and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide and cry.  

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