15 June 2020: Classic Transference

3:35 AM

Sleep has eluded me once again.  It’s this never ending battle and I’m not sure how to make it better.  Sleep is good…sleep is needed…but my mind won’t shut down, my body won’t unwind.  There are so many things that need my attention, and I feel like I’m 10 steps behind on life after spending the better part of a week in the hospital.  Getting healthy and taking a break comes at a cost.  And I know there needs to be balance and moderation in all things…but it is really challenging to “ease back into things” and “take it easy”.  I wish I were that kind of person, but I’m not.  So here I am, in the wee morning hours, trying to get shit done.  

There are several things that have been on my mind that I just need to sit down and pound out on paper.  It’s challenging because during the daytime there are so many distractions…so many directions my attention is being pulled…I find it difficult to really focus on my words and my writing.  It’s in the quiet moments in the dark of the night that I find the quiet, the stillness, and the ability to focus on my thoughts.  

Of all the things jumbled up and spinning in my mind, the one thing that has been most prominent over the past week or so has been my relationship with J.  (and I totally know there’s a significant chance he’ll take a peek at this…but we’re gonna go with it anyway).  Best I can recall, I’ve been working on and off with him in a therapeutic setting for about 9ish years.  That’s quite some time…granted there were several lengthy breaks over the years, but still…a good amount of time to build a rapport, build trust and develop a good working relationship.  

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As I’ve been going through a lot of shit over the past couple of months, I have leaned HEAVILY on J.  It has been kinda insane how much I’ve relied on his presence, his reassurance and his input to help me manage the ins and outs of my trauma, anxiety, and depression.  And I don’t like it.  I don’t like feeling dependent on him.  It is uncomfortable for me to rely that heavily on someone.  So uncomfortable and foreign, I’m not even sure how to react to it.  I’m in this constant state of questioning his reactions and intentions.  I’m also constantly wondering if I’m “doing it right”.  

It has been drilled into my head over and over again what a therapeutic relationship should look like…the dos and don’ts…and I often feel like it’s blurry with us.  Which may really just be a result of some transference happening…I’m not exactly sure.  But it feels strange and confusing and uncomfortable.  I know what the roles of clinicians and clients are and what the relationship should look like…and I feel like I’m missing the mark.  And it’s stupid and embarassing and confusing.  I feel like I should be able to figure this crap out.  It shouldn’t be this hard to figure out.  

The thing that really hits me the hardest is that I don’t want to feel connected to him, rely on him…I don’t want to feel that need with anyone.  And certainly not my therapist.  It was interesting that in the hospital, they asked  who I turned to when things get hard…who do I rely on for support?  And the first person that came to mind was J.  Not my hubs, not my sisters or parents or best friends…my fucking therapist.  How fucked up is that?  That I can’t even figure out how to talk about the real shit with my own husband, and yet it comes out in sessions (albeit not perfectly).  It just feels kinda fucked up and uncomfortable and weird and messed up.  That I feel more connected to and have a deeper emotional relationship with my therapist than anyone else in my life?  Guess I’m just not sure what it all ultimately means and how to move past it.  Hopefully I figure it out because it’s kinda driving me nutty insane.

And now it’s after 5 AM…the sky is just barely starting to lighten up and I’m running on 2 ½ hours of sleep.  Here’s to hoping for a productive day that leads me to exhaustion and a good night’s sleep tonight!  

10:59 PM

Okay…so I’ve been doing some thinking today, and I just wanted to jot this down real quick.  As I was thinking about my relationship with J and why it’s been bothersome, I’ve had this additional thought.  I’m coming to terms that there is likely some transference going on.  I felt like because I was aware of what it is and how it happens, I would be more immune to it, but the dependent feelings, the feelings of needing to disclose and tell him things…it makes sense.  It pisses me off that it’s happening, but it’s just something to work through.  

I think the thing that freaks me out a little as we are starting to work on the sexual aspect of my life…the abuse, my sexual history and framework…it freaks me out because there’s already some of this general transference happening, and the absolute last thing I want to have happen is to start having sexual feelings for him.  Because that freaks me out a little bit.  BUT…I’m also very aware that as people work on their sexuality, it totally can happen and probably happens on a regular basis.  And that feels weird and like something I don’t think I could handle.  

One thing I do know is that sex has been on my mind for weeks now.  Not just the abuse…not just the constant state of arousal…but trying to wrap my head around how it has evolved and what it means for me.  I find it to be a peculiar topic, and one that I’m not super comfortable with…mostly because it feels that my experiences aren’t typical and it makes me feel a little bit like a whore.  

Maybe someday I’ll get my shit together…but I have a feeling today isn’t the day for that!

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