14 June 2020: I’m Not a Rock…And It Sucks

9:56 PM

Today has been a strange day.  A lot of emotions that are all over the map.  But I suppose that’s how a lot of life is.  Within any given day, you win some and you lose some…you experience pain and joy…you feel secure and knocked on your ass.  And at the end of the day, it’s all about what you’ve done with all the experiences.  

After waking up exhausted today, I didn’t really want to do much of anything.  I wanted to spend the day in bed, but I pushed myself to get out with the family.  We took a short half day trip and took the boys out to Golden Spike National Park.  And that was a good decision for me.  It was nice to get some time away with the hubs and the boys and to focus on our little family.  It was also really good to get out in the sun and get my body moving.  I am incredibly grateful for the little joys they brought me today, particularly since there were some many other challenging and difficult experiences that happened today for me.  

Earlier in the day I found out that a guy in our church was arrested for sexual abuse of his grandchild.  I knew last week that he’d been arrested, but we didn’t know why.  Coming to find this out was like a sucker punch to my gut.  Even just writing about it now is inducing a feeling of anxiety, internal jittering, and a significantly increased heart rate.  It makes me want to crawl into bed and never get out again.  To know that this guy, a guy who’s sat next to us at church, who’s sat in my Sunday School classes…it makes me feel sick.  And it’s been challenging to process and try to wrap my head around my feelings.  I think I just need to shelf it and try to get it out of my head.  

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As I’ve been trying to deal with the emotions of it all, I sent J an email to get some support.  And as the day’s gone on, I find myself hating that I feel the need to lean on him. I hate that if the shit hits the fan, I feel dependent on his support and contact. It feels fucked up and so stupid…and I don’t like it but I don’t know how to change it.

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