This will likely be brief…I can barely keep my eyes open.
Today has been a shitty day. Seems like I’m having quite a few of those lately. I am constantly wondering when the shit will go away, or at least fade into the background. Will it ever? Will I ever have a grip on life?
Today was the first day since the miscarriage that I had a normal routine. Take the boys to daycare, go to work, be super annoyed with work crap, go to the gym, and come home to put the boys to bed. It was the first day that I’ve been back to the gym…the first day that resembled “normal” prior to the death of this little bean. And it was good in a lot of ways. It was good to feel normal again…to feel like this is what life is and it’s familiar. And it was good to work out. To be able to be active (although there’s still some soreness and it was a light workout). But in other ways it was devastating and hurtful. It was the first day that I got back to normal life, which really signaled that life is moving on. And I know that life moves on…that it never stands still…but it feels incredibly painful to essentially say that I’m moving onto the next phase in life. That I’ve moved out of this mourning stage and into this part of life where my routine is normal, and so I should be normal.
I feel guilt. Guilt that I am moving forward. Did I grieve an appropriate amount of time? Did I give it enough thought and attention? How can someone possibly just move forward? You know? Guilt because I shouldn’t just forget about it.
I feel sadness. And anger. And a sense of loss. And also a huge feeling to fill that loss with other things…work, school, a hobby…and it is a really big loss that needs to be filled. And I’m over extending myself trying to fill that void. And it’s getting to me. Because the reality is that none of these things will fill that hole. None of the things I’m trying to replace the hurt, the emptiness, the sadness with…they aren’t the right things to patch that hole, and it’s just exhausting me…not fixing the problem.
So here I am, a few minutes before 11:00 and I’m hoping that the exhaustion I feel will bring a deep deep sleep that is restful and takes me away from all the shit I’ve gone through and felt today. Maybe tomorrow there will be clarity. Maybe tomorrow there will be a little bit of joy.