13 June 2020: Deep Rooted Love

11:15 PM

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

Today has been a humbling day for me.  One of the most significant insights I’ve had today has been that I am fucking loved.  And it seems like such a simple thing for someone to know…someone to feel…and yet it was this significant feeling for me to have, embrace, understand and feel.  And I don’t just mean I’m loved by people.  I for sure felt that today hard core…that my kids, my hubs, even my parents love me.  Without reason, without strings, they love me.  They love me imperfectly…but that is human.  We all do things the best we can with the skills and information we have at the time.  

But beyond understanding and feeling the impact of their love, I was reminded that God loves me.  And it sounds so frickin’ stupid and trite to say it like that.  But there were moments throughout the day today where I physically felt God’s presence and love.  It was a feeling that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.  It was a feeling that was well beyond that of standing up in church and saying that I know God loves me.  As I’ve gone throughout the day today, I’ve been very aware of the mistakes I’ve made…the burdens I’ve born…the heartache I’ve both endured and caused.  

And while all of these things give me a sense of purpose and responsibility to make good choices…to fight…the biggest take away message is that I am worth it.  I am worth the work, the effort and the struggle.  I’m worth the burden and distress and turmoil.  I’m worth fixing.  And it’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that feeling.  

So I guess that’s some breakthrough shit.  Of course we’ll see how things progress and I’m certain the feeling will fade and be forgotten at times…but I’m trying.  I’m pushing forward.  And that’s really all anyone can ask.

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