12 June 2020: Corner Turned

11:26 PM

Welp, here we are…getting back on the journaling horse.  I suppose I could transcribe my writings from when I was in the hospital…maybe someday I’ll find that worthwhile and get it done.  Maybe.  

Today has been my first full day outside of the hospital.  It has been a good, productive day and I don’t have much to complain about.  I had a session with J this morning, got a haircut and massage, went into the office to meet with the boss and get caught up on some of the more pressing items, came home and had dinner with the boys, played, and then did bedtime followed by grading papers.  So it was busy, productive, and stable.  And I’m grateful for that because we all know that as of late, nothing in my life has been very stable.  

One thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot today is a question J posed to me during our session.  As we were talking about my childhood trauma he asked me why I was able to talk about it without seeming to crawl out of my skin (much like I had in previous sessions).  As I’ve thought about what is different beyond getting sleep and having my wits about me…there are two other variables that played into my feeling calmer and more collected today than in the past.  The first is that we were talking in generalities, not specifics.  I wasn’t getting down into the nitty gritty and it’s significantly easier to talk about things in a round about matter.  The second thing is that over the past 4 days, the number of people who I’ve disclosed this trauma to has gone from 3 people to around a dozen, with a high likelihood that many more than that know.  And so that has taken some of the secrecy out of it, which feels like a weight has been lifted.  Like it’s not as much of a big secret as it used to be, which makes it feel easier to address.  

And maybe that’s what has made it easier…not that I feel like I understand it better in my own mind (although I feel like I do understand how it fits into my story better) but maybe it’s just that it’s out there now and there’s  no taking it back.  It is documented in my medical history forever.  

One thing I’m very sure of is that things feel significantly different than they did a week ago.  I’m not sure why exactly, but I do know that it feels less traumatic…less overwhelming.  And of course, that is all just for the moment.  I have yet to face a challenging, difficult experience outside of the hospital.  And I believe when that happens, that will be a true test of the changes made.  

It’s late, and I’m not gonna start in on some additional thoughts I have about my sexual history, religion, and clinical questions that have been weighing on my mind…but these are things that I want to return to because each of them have their place and deserve a look.  But for now, the take home message is that so far it’s been good.  I can do hard fucking things and it won’t always break me. 

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