First of all, I feel like I’ve been going around in the same fucking circle for years and years now. I can’t seem to learn the lessons that I need to learn, and I feel like such a little shit hashing out the same fucking issues with John over and over and over again. And I’m not really sure how to change what it is…it seems like it just won’t stop and no matter how much I learn and how much I change, these bad habits and routines just keep happening over and over again and there’s not really any stopping them.
Here in the past several days, there has been this relentless cycle of destructive negative thinking that I can’t seem to shake. As much as I can understand that these feelings and thoughts are inaccurate and it is faulty thinking…emotionally it doesn’t feel that way, and it is super challenging to combat these thoughts and feelings. To the point where it feels very true and it’s hard to separate out.
Earlier this week we met with my son’s teacher. She is a lovely person and did nothing to make me feel like a horrible parent, but the thoughts just started to roll. My kid is so behind in so many ways. Yes, I know he has disabilities. Yes, I know we’ve been working very hard for a very long time on a lot of things. Yes, I know that we can only do so much. But he is so far behind in so many things and it is really hard to focus on anything I do right, and magnify all the things I do wrong. And I feel like a shitty mom. That I work more than I should, that we let them watch TV more than they should, that we don’t discipline as much as we should, that we can’t get them to eat anything other than chicken nuggets and crackers.
And then there’s my baby. No disabilities, no reason whatsoever that he should be behind…and yet here we are…just a couple of months shy of 3 years old and the kid talks very little. He’s crazy behind in his speech. And despite us taking him to speech therapy every week, we don’t practice with him enough at home, we don’t engage him in back and forth conversations enough, we give in to his grunting and crying more often than we should. And he has developed this hitting and stealing problem. And is often our out of control kid who doesn’t respond to time outs. He won’t sit down with us for dinner for more than 30 seconds, and it takes yelling, screaming, time outs, and sometimes spankings before he gets it.
I feel like I am a really horrible parent. I mean, I’m not because I love those little boys like crazy. I don’t think they’ll ever feel like they weren’t loved. But they are delayed, they’re out of control, they have no discipline, they probably won’t ever be the smartest kid in the class…and how much of that is attributed to my poor parenting? I’m failing them in so many ways.
And that all leads up to the biggest kicker…maybe the miscarriage happened because God is telling me that I’m a real shitty mom and can’t even manage my two boys, so what in the hell was I even thinking having another child? And I try to shake that feeling and those thoughts, but it is becoming more and more ingrained in me that God truly thinks I’m a horrible parent and instead of fucking up another kid, He decided it was better to just let that one die before ever making it to our family. (yeah, I know…probably shouldn’t use “fuck” and “God” in the same sentence)
And this is literally just spilling out into all aspects of my life. All I can see are the mistakes, the deficiencies, and the lack of progress in my work. I find myself honed in on and focusing solely on the things I’m doing wrong or not completing fast enough or forgetting about for months. So I work harder and longer. And yet the more hours I put in, the more time in a day I sit in my own shit and see all the things that aren’t done, all the things that are going wrong, all the things that I need to figure out. And once again, I feel like a fucking failure. Like I’ll never be good enough and I’m actually not qualified to do what I do.
I cannot shake this feeling that is rooted to my very core that I am not good enough, and I never will be good enough. And I don’t know how to make it go away.