5 June 2020: Sex? Sex.

10:26 PM

I am so incredibly confused about everything.  I feel like I don’t have any idea who I am or what’s going on inside of me.  It feels like everything about me has changed and I don’t even know what’s happening.  

It’s like I am uncovering these bits and pieces of things I didn’t know before about myself.  Things that have changed me.  That are painful and that are confusing and I can’t even seem to see the entire picture.  And that is super confusing in and of itself.  It feels like I’m searching for a word that’s on the tip of my tongue.  Like something is just about there…like I can almost remember, but I can’t quite bring it into my mind’s eye.  And I find myself perseverating on this.  Like I need to know.  

I’ve been listening to The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, and I just finished The Body Keeps the Score.  And I listen to these accounts of abuse and the way these individuals responded and what it causes…and I can’t help but understand that much of who I am is a direct response to childhood abuse…but I can’t even put a finger on it all.  I see these little bits and pieces, but there’s so much that’s blank.  

The craziest thing to me is that right now I can’t stand to have my hubs touch me.  It feels so disgusting.  BUT, on the flip side of that, I feel hyper focused on sex.  I think about it all the time and it is weird because when the opportunity presents itself to have sex, I immediately feel yucky.  

I don’t know how to move past this stuff, and I don’t know how to make it stop.  And I’m not sure if knowing the full story will help me or break me.  And I’m scared.  I’m scared that once I know what I think I know, instead of being able to move forward and have intimate, close relationships…I won’t be able to, and the opposite will happen.  That I’ll withdraw even further from my relationships than I already am.  

I think back on these two very vivid memories…memories that I chalked up to kids being kids, but am now very aware that it was not that at all.  Normal kids don’t take their pants off and touch each other.  Normal kids don’t wrestle with their friend’s older brother when he’s naked.  That’s not normal play for 5, 6, 7 year old kids.  And if these two memories are just small moments during a time in my life that I remember very little…I’m not sure I can survive knowing what else there might be there.  And how do you just forget?  How do you just not know?  It seems like something that significant, that disruptive, would be something you would remember and it would define you.  

I feel very confused about every sexual encounter I’ve ever had.  I feel confused as to why sex has always been such a huge part of my life, and it feels like the part of my life that is the least controlled.  It has always been the one thing that I’ve never felt I had a grip on.  

And now here I am…hyper focused on sex…always feeling aroused…but never wanting anyone to touch me.  And this isn’t something I’ve ever taken a look at in therapy before.  I’ve had a couple of therapists try to bring up sexuality in sessions and I’ve always just shut it down.  And it feels not normal…scary…like something is really wrong with me.  But I also think that up until now, I haven’t even been able to conceptualize any opinion or thoughts about sex and how it fits into my life.  Because it’s something that I ignored.  Something that I felt shamed for (particularly when it comes to religion).  And I don’t know how ready I am to start taking a look at it.  I don’t know if it’s something I am ready for.  But I do know it’s there, it’s in my face every day, and I feel so confused about everything.  (which is also weird because I’m 35 years old and I should have that crap figured out by now)

More than anything, I want to get back to feeling like me.  To feeling like there is some resemblance of me inside.  And I know that changing and healing and growth makes all of us into new beings…but I don’t think it should mean that you don’t recognize yourself anymore.  It should feel like one cohesive journey.  Like the improvements and growth come from within you, not from outside of you.  I should be able to look in the mirror and recognize that the person in front of me is me and feel like it’s me.  

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