AHHHHHH! Fuck! After several nights of decent sleep (ranging from 5-8 hours per night) I’ve had an incredibly difficult night tonight. Fell asleep just after midnight, have been having scattered, incoherent nightmares that have woken me twice and now I can’t shake this feeling of disgust, fear, and confusion. I don’t know what the dreams are…all I can make out is blood, broken pieces of something black, and the feeling of chaos and emotional pain. And it is this horrifying feeling of not knowing. Like there is something that is lurking just beyond what I can see…what I know. And it terrifies me.
I feel super strongly in my gut that something big and traumatic happened to me when we lived back east, but there isn’t anything solid. Nothing concrete says, this is what it was. There are small snippets that come to me from the time that would cause me to infer what could have happened, but there still is very little that I actually know to be true. And I’m scared that once it comes to me…once I’m able to remember exactly what happened…it will break me. The pieces that I do have are already terrorizing me, and I believe that what I do know is just a very small tip of the iceberg.
Last thoughts before I try to get a couple more hours of sleep…the past week or so has been interesting and challenging for me in a lot of ways. Racism and discrimination have been all over the news and social media since the murder of George Floyd. It’s caused me to take a hard look at how race has impacted my life and who I am…and I feel like I’m just starting to understand how much it has been apart of my life and my story. That’s been difficult in a lot of ways because I always ignored it, put it out of mind. And now here it is…blaring right in front of me. And I have to figure out how to do things better with my boys so they don’t go through what I’m just now going through.
I’ve been going through a lot of really difficult things in the past couple of months. Things that at times I felt would eat me alive. Things I didn’t think I stood a chance working through. Do I feel like I’ve come out the other side of things? No. Do I continue to worry every day that something might just tip the scale and knock me on my ass? Yeah. But fuck…I’m trying. And I suppose for right this very moment, that’s enough.
At 11:00 AM today I did my first trauma therapy session. It was strange and I’m not exactly sure what happened, if anything? It was fucking bizarre! I felt like it was way stranger than EMDR was. It felt more awkward, but less traumatic. Not sure if part of that is because J and I have a long history and a relationship and this new therapist and I just met one another? Not sure if I’m just in a very different place emotionally than I was when I did the EMDR session? But it felt less emotionally traumatic.
I ended the day feeling like there is something really wrong with me. And I don’t know exactly what it is, but a lot of clinical terms like dissociation and splitting seem to fit the mold. It was like there was this little girl M that I was trying to make her feel safe, and yet it just felt like I was inappropriately telling this young child all the shit that happened over the course of the next 30 years of “our” life. Kind of like if I were to pull my son aside and be like, dude…so here’s how my life played out..and then vomit all the shitty experiences I’ve had. And I kept wondering, why would this little girl feel safe, or even want to go on living knowing that her future is fucked up?
Apparently it’s supposed to get better. But it was some weird ass shit…talking to my little self, telling her she’s safe and I’m there to protect her. Fucking weird.