30 May 2020: Exploring in the Light

10:19 PM

Well, it’s been a hot minute since I sat down to hash out some thoughts and feelings.  Honestly, it’s been a helluva few days, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep trying.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep trying at therapy…keep trying to figure out my crap…keep trying to live.  It has been the darkest few days of my recent life, and quite possibly the most difficult and dark moments in my entire life.  

I have had more moments in the past 72 hours where I didn’t think I had the strength to keep fighting for life than I’ve really ever had.  So many moments sitting alone with a razor rubbing against my wrist…moments driving around pushing my speed around windy roads…moments of counting pills over and over again.  I really wasn’t sure I would make it through to the other side of the dark tunnel I was in…and I’m not sure I’m there yet…but it’s been a much better day than I’ve had in a long while.  

I’ve finally been able to sleep a little bit more…5 ½ hours and then last night 7 hours…so I think that has helped significantly.  It’s allowed me to be more focused and results driven and I’ve been able to knock several things off my to-do list, which helped me to feel like less of a piece of shit.  It gave me the energy to get to the gym more regularly and push myself harder than I have in a long while.  

I have had so much happen with so many new feelings and perceptions.  It’s been interesting as events around the country have been happening, how my recent acknowledgement of personal issues has changed the way I view those things.  

First things first…I had my intake with a new therapist to start doing trauma based therapy.  It was…weird?  It felt strange talking with a complete stranger about some of the most intimate details of my life, just like everyone does in an intake session.  But it opened up this thing inside of me.  I’m not quite sure how to describe it.  It was this flooding of vulnerable honesty?  It felt different than therapy with J…and I realized that because I’ve worked so long with him and developed a relationship over the past forever, I often find myself unintentionally needing to be something.  Like we have a history, he’s gotten to know me, and that’s the person I feel like I have to be and it’s uncomfortable being anything other than that.  Which is actually probably a good thing since that’s how my for reals life is…uncomfortable change with people who know “me”.  But with this new therapist, someone who knows nothing about me, it felt strange being able to be whoever I wanted to be.  She came into the meeting with no expectations, and I could invent myself and be as real as I wanted to be, and discard anything I didn’t want to be.  

I’m anxious about trying this new type of trauma therapy.  EMDR didn’t go so well for me and it kinda knocked me on my ass…and I’m worried it won’t go well. 

Aside from all the new therapy developments, I have recently been having a lot of feelings about race and what it means.  The country is going through a lot of craziness right now. And I get it, white cop unnecessarily kills a black man in a wrongful death…there should be outrage.  It should be something that people take a good hard look at.  It should make people question what they’re doing, or not doing in the fight against racism.  

And it’s only been recently that I’ve started to recognize that race has played a role in my life.  I always hide behind jokes and keep it light.  That I’m a twinkie, or that I’ve never really experienced discrimination, or that I don’t even think of myself as a minority, but rather just another white girl.  But truth is…it is something that makes me different.  It is something that has set me apart my whole life.  It’s something that has caused me to have different experiences.  Now are my experiences the same as a black man’s?  Do I have to fear for my safety everytime I’m pulled over? No.  Do I have to worry about walking at night in a white neighborhood?  No.  Those aren’t things I have to worry about, and so it is different.  But it still provides a lot of experiences that set me apart from the white population.  

And now I need to try to get some sleep.  I need to shut it down.  Don’t really want to go back to crazy town…although I don’t think I’ve fully left it yet. 

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