27 May 2020: Verge of Breaking

2:03 AM

How did I get here?  I take a look back on my life, and I’m not sure how I ended up where I am.  I look at my sisters and they seem to be okay.  I look at my parents and they seem to be okay.  I look at those who are closest to me, and they all seem to be okay.  Does everyone have struggles?  Yes.  Does everyone have things that haunt them?  Absolutely.  But they’re all living.  They all go about day to day and seem to be living life.  Figuring crap out.  And I’m over here on the verge of losing my mind.  Like legit, losing my mind.  And I don’t know how to make it stop.  I don’t know how to fix it.  

I can’t get this shit out of my head.  It’s like things have just come unglued…like no matter how hard I try to push everything back inside, it just rears its ugly head.  All the feelings have come out and I can’t stop them.  And I want to drink…so much…I just want to drown out all these feelings and thoughts.  And I want to take a bottle of pills and just never wake up from it.  I want to get into our safe and take the gun out to the mountains and put a bullet through my skull.  I want to accidentally run my car off the road without wearing a seatbelt.  I just fucking want it all to stop.  I don’t want to feel these things…I don’t want to remember the things I do…I don’t want to be the way I am.  

And so I reach out for help.  I make an appointment with my doc to have a med eval (although what the fuck do PCP know?)…I reach out to start a new modality of therapy…I check up on my spirituality.  I take all the steps I’m supposed to.  Do all the things you’re supposed to do.  And yet it all feels like bullshit.  Like it doesn’t even matter…like it’s gonna fix absolutely nothing.  And it’s a fucking joke.  

And I can’t talk about this shit.  I don’t know how to talk about this without feeling like I’m being a crazy psycho…like I’m being manipulative…like it’s overdramatic.  It feels so fucking ridiculous…so stupid.  And yet there is this pain that runs deep…like physically deep, to my very core.  This ache that I can’t explain and I can’t make it stop.  I don’t know how to make it stop.  I just want it to stop and I’m not sure how to make it another day.  I’m not sure how to find the strength to keep moving forward.  And every day I do the bare minimum…every day I fight just to get up and get out of bed…all the things I can’t function well enough to do, those things are piling up.  They’re becoming this huge mountain of things that I’m not sure I’m ever gonna be able to recover and catch up on.  And I’m failing…every fucking day I fail.  But pat me on the fucking back because I got my shit together enough to get out of bed, and while that took every god damn ounce of energy I have, the rest of my life is falling apart.  

And I can’t.  I don’t know how.  It all feels too fucking hard.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 3 weeks.  I’m not sure how to sleep…I’m not sure how to make it all stop so that sleep is something I look forward to and not something I dread.  I don’t know how to make this all better.  And I’m not sure anything can make it better.  And what’s to stop it from just being a fucking cycle for the rest of my life?  I’m scared.  I’m alone.  And I don’t know who to reach out to.  It’s exhausting to everyone who’s trying to help me, and I don’t blame them one bit for just fucking wanting my shit to go away.  I can’t keep putting all this shit on them.  So it just feels awful lonely…and it’s a fucking heavy load to carry. 

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