19 May 2020: Small Victory

10:31 PM

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com

Well, what a fucking shit show of a day.  Although I do have to say that for as fucked up as it has been, it’s ending much better than I expected.  While I did sob uncontrollably.  And I did have multiple panic attacks.  And I did have very real moments of deep suicidal thoughts.  I didn’t drink.  I didn’t self harm.  I didn’t assault anyone.  I didn’t engage in behaviors I would regret tomorrow.  I lived.  I worked through the anxiety, the depression, the guilt, the anger.  I’m fucking exhausted, but I came out the other side quicker than before, and with less regret.  Is it all over?  No.  Do I have to face my employee in person tomorrow?  Yes.  Is there a very real possibility that tomorrow I will fall apart?  Absolutely.  But that’s tomorrow…this is today…and today is mostly a victory.  

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings surrounding the meeting with my employee and the moments that followed, but I’m not even sure how to get it out and down on paper.  Something happened inside that I haven’t experienced before (or at least not like that).  There were very clear moments during the meeting where I experienced flashbacks to the night she verbally and emotionally assaulted me.  And that sounds so stupid…but there was something about that experience that struck deep.  And today it was like I was right back in the moment, hearing the cruelty in her voice…the disdain coating every word that came out of her mouth.  And I was retraumatized all over again.  

Immediately following the meeting, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak, all I could do was sob, uncontrollable sobs…and all I could think was this will never get better…this is too hard…I give up.  Like legit give up.  There were several moments where I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep living, and getting drunk and wrapping my car around a pole seemed like the only answer.  Not the best answer…but literally the only answer.  There was nothing else…just dying.  

And after crying for a solid 40 minutes, and feeling exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally, I felt empty.  And then something changed.  I don’t know what and I don’t know how long it took to change.  It started small…walking back to the office.  Done.  Sending one email.  Done.  Giving directions to my staff.  Done.  And slowly, the emptiness filled with determination.  I saw my list of 100 things to do, and I needed to start checking them off.  So yes, distraction, avoidance…it happened.  But it got me through the moment.  

And for this very moment, I’m okay.  Right now I’m alive and I’m moving forward, not backward.  So I’ll call it a win for today and pray for another one tomorrow. 

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