For the love of all that’s freakin’ holy…I swear…I feel like someday things have to be normal again, right? Someday won’t feel like I’m walking around, living a life I don’t recognize. Someday I won’t look in the mirror and see a face staring back at me and wonder who that person is. And not like…I’m crazy and having hallucinations or whatever, but just feeling out of sorts with myself. Like I don’t recognize the feelings I’m experiencing, the reactions I’m having, the actions and decisions I make…it doesn’t feel like “me”.
The person who is living my life right now, she’s quick to anger (more so than regular me…if that’s possible), she is an anxious mess, someone who wants desperately to crawl into bed and never get out. She feels out of place and alone. She’s annoyed by her children who cry or want to wrestle with her. She’s annoyed with her husband who did exactly what she asked for. She wants to smash windows and overturn tables. She also wants to curl up in a ball on the floor and just cry. She feels crazy…like maybe she actually isn’t seeing life how it really is.
I want more than anything to get back to being me. Absolutely I wasn’t perfect…not even close. But the person I thought I was…I liked it a hell of a lot more than I like this person.
Today was Mother’s Day. I feel like a horrible mom. I literally slept all day. The hubs got up with the boys this morning and I slept until 9:30. We had breakfast, went to my folk’s house, and then fed the boys lunch. And I went back to bed from 1:00-5:00. Spent a little time laying on the floor trying to play with the boys, dinner…bath…bedtime. I am exhausted, depressed, anxious…I feel like I ruined what could’ve been a nice family day. Again, playing into the belief that I’m a piece of shit.
I have been trying to pump myself up for work tomorrow. Trying to wrap my mind around going into the office and trying to NOT have a panic attack. And yet, just opening my emails I was hit with a wave of anxiety. It hasn’t let up much in the past hour. Not quite sure how I’ll make it through the day. I could use a drink right about now to calm my nerves and help me sleep.